


supermarket flowers

by strawberry_milkbread



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Not Beta Read, One-Sided Attraction, Soft Dong Si Cheng | WinWin, Soft Nakamoto Yuta, jaeyong as elite gays, they're all soft tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:14:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25997317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strawberry_milkbread/pseuds/strawberry_milkbread
Summary: No matter how many times Sicheng pushed Yuta away or complained about the amount of affection the latter smothered him with, they both knew how much they valued the other’s friendship. They made a promise to stay by each other’s side, even when the idol life got too demanding, even when the other was hurting and wanted to be left alone. They needed each other. They relied on each other. But only when Yuta coughed up his first flower petal did he realize that he might rely on Sicheng a little bit too much, more than the other would ever return. And it hurt.
Relationships: Dong Si Cheng | WinWin/Nakamoto Yuta, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Taeyong, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Mark Lee & Nakamoto Yuta, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 43
Kudos: 155





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! asfdgshjk I’m so nervous, this is my very first ao3 fic and i don’t know what i’m doing O_O. Yuwin used to be one of my favorite nct ships but now that they’re in separate subunits they never interact (*cough* please give us ot21 content sm *cough*), so I thought that I'd just make my own yuwin content. And i have an unhealthy obsession with hanahaki au’s (don’t @ me, i’m a tragic person). Please let me know what you think!

It was late at night, most of South Korea fast asleep, but down at SM Entertainment the idols were still hard at work. The sound of stomping feet and heavy breathing could be heard from outside the door, along with blasting music and an occasional shout of motivation.

“Dinero, peso, yen, lo quiero, I want in, regular!” Yuta tensed his muscles as he carefully held the last pose. They’d been practicing for hours, recording and reviewing themselves, and starting over every time someone was even a bit off. The sheer amount of pressure was enough to make Yuta mess up. But he kept his head clear and delivered, letting the endless training he had gone through make up for the nerves swirling around his brain. 

“That’s good for today, great work everyone.” Their dance instructor clapped his hands, signaling their dismissal. They all immediately relaxed, tired murmurs and relieved exclamations filling the once tense air. Yuta rubbed half heartedly at his shoulder, remembering the twinge of pain that he had felt earlier during practice. He bit his lip nervously. He couldn’t get injured right before their comeback. The album was going to be released any day now, and then they would dive into another hectic month of promotions, interviews, and performances. There would be no time to rest, no room to mess up. It was thrilling and stressful at the same time. 

“Yuta-hyung, are you okay?” Yuta’s expression immediately brightened at the sound of the soft voice behind him. Whirling around, he was met with Sicheng standing nearby, his mouth slightly turned down with worry. His shining eyes were a shade of brown so dark they were almost black, giving off a scary appearance that only Yuta could recognize as being a sign of concern. Yuta broke out into a grin and threw himself at the other boy, nuzzling his face into his shoulder.

“Aww, are you worried about me Winwinnie?” Yuta draped his arms around Sicheng, clinging to him like a koala. Yuta couldn’t help it. He was tired, and Sicheng was so warm. If he let himself, he could probably fall asleep just like this, curled up in Sicheng’s arms. Sicheng rolled his eyes but didn’t make a move to push Yuta off of him.

“No. I’m worried about our comeback.” Yuta giggled and pressed closer.  
“Whatever you say~” Finally Yuta let go of the other boy, giving him his personal space. Unlike Yuta, who craved physical affection during all hours of the day, Sicheng usually preferred to keep his relationships at a physical distance. Yuta didn’t mind. It only made him feel so much happier whenever Sicheng accepted his hug, or even initiated it. Yuta lived for those moments. 

“Ugh, they’re making me feel lonely.” Donghyuck shot them a glare from across the room. “MaAaAARk!” Yuta saw Mark quickly duck away from Donghyuck’s attack, but soon the younger boy was dragging him out of the room in a half hug half choke hold. 

“Donghyuck, be gentle!” Taeyong sounded tired, only half heartedly calling out after the two maknaes. “Full sun my ass, you little devil child,” he muttered, running his hand through his hair. Next to him, Johnny was chuckling at their antics. “Johnny, why are you laughing? Come on, you should’ve stuck up for your little brother.” That just made Johnny laugh even more.

“Hey, Mark’s not my biological brother! I mean, I wish…”The conversations of the other members got softer and softer as everyone slowly made their way out the door. Yuta nodded his head towards the exit and looked at Sicheng.

“Shall we get going, Winwinnie?” Yuta felt something in him flutter at the way Sicheng smiled back at him, a hint of shyness in his expression but with enough happiness and admiration in his eyes to make Yuta embarrassed. 

The two of them collected their belongings from the dance practice room and headed for the door. Yuta anticipated for them to walk back to the dorms together, but when they stepped outside Sicheng started to walk in a different direction. Yuta grabbed his arm before he could get too far. 

“Wait, what? Where are you going?” Sicheng pulled his arm out of Yuta’s hold, making the latter’s shoulders sag with rejection. 

“We’re having a short Wayv practice.” Yuta felt his smile drop away. It’s not like he wasn’t happy that Sicheng got to be in this new subunit, where he could sing in a language he was more comfortable in and get to promote with new concepts and new, extremely talented members. But the debut of Wayv was taking up more and more of Sicheng’s time, his time spent in NCT 127 slowly diminishing, and Yuta didn’t even want to entertain the idea that he might one day no longer be in the subunit at all. 

“C’mon, Sicheng, it’s really late. You already know the choreo and melody of the song, can’t you skip just one rehearsal?” Yuta gave Sicheng his best impression of puppy dog eyes, cringing internally at how low he would stoop to just keep this boy next to him, just to feel his quiet energy and see his heart melting smile. But Sicheng showed no reaction to Yuta’s begging, simply backing away and nodding goodbye to him.

“Sorry, hyung. I’ll see you tomorrow.” And just like that he was fading away into the night, the warmth of him by Yuta’s side already gone. Yuta was left alone staring off into the darkness, feeling almost suffocated by it. He supposed that he should head back to the dorms alone, but he knew that as soon as he sat down on his bed all he would do is worry about Sicheng. He couldn’t help it. He knew how hard the younger worked, whether they were in the heat of promotions or winding down after a long tour. Yuta tried his best to get Sicheng to relax every once in a while, but there were always times where he would be walking home alone, knowing that the other boy was back in the practice room still working his ass off. In the end Yuta could never come up with enough arguments to get him to calm down. He knew why Sicheng always felt the need to push himself to his breaking point. He knew because sometimes he felt that same urge too. And that’s why Yuta concluded that he would not be going back to the dorms anytime soon that night.

Yuta shoved open the door to the practice room, glancing around quickly to make sure that everyone else had left. Once he confirmed that he was alone, Yuta stepped fully into the room, setting his phone down by the mirror and putting the music on play again. The notes reverberated around the room, echoing across the walls in a way that made it sound harsher, the melody cutting in with almost a sharp edge. Yuta knew that he was still shaky in certain parts of the song, and whenever he watched a video of them he could see himself sticking out like a sore thumb. Everyone had put their all into this comeback, especially with the multiple versions, and Yuta didn’t want to be the one to bring them down. He repeated the same set of moves, over and over, until it felt like he could do the complicated combo without even thinking. When his breathing picked up and his feet felt like wet clothes hanging off of his body, weighing him down, Yuta told himself that he was building stamina. When his blood pounded in his ears and his vision went haywire for a moment, Yuta told himself that he was learning how to perform even when he was sick. And when it all became too much and Yuta fell on the ground, he told himself that he was learning how to be professional and recover from a mistake on stage. 

And so Yuta got up. Again and again, he got up. He didn’t stop moving, not even when his lungs and limbs screamed at him to just take a break, for a second, a minute, to let himself breathe. He reached the point in the choreo where he and Sicheng were in each other’s eyesight. A small smile on his face, Yuta recalled how he would always smile and send a wink at the younger boy, eliciting a reaction from the other, if he was lucky. Yuta always tried to find moments like that in their choreo, even if it was only for a second. Being able to share a smile with Sicheng gave him a surge of energy so he could finish the performance with ease. One time Yuta had even found a string of tweets pointing out these small moments, and he had immediately ran to show Sicheng, expecting him to share a laugh. But the younger boy had shoved Yuta’s phone away, muttering that he didn’t want to see that kind of stuff. Yuta had reeled away, hurt clouding his vision, and avoided the other for a couple days. It was during those moments that Yuta realized how much he didn’t understand about Sicheng. Despite how close they had gotten over the years, there were still times when Yuta questioned whether Sicheng even wanted their friendship at all. 

Suddenly Yuta’s breath caught in his throat, and he stopped dancing, concerned.

Yuta hunched over, his hands on his knees, trying to catch his breath. But the harder he tried to suck air into his lungs, the more deprived of air he felt. He gasped, crouching down until he was on the floor, palms pressed against the smooth wood. He began to cough, feeling something scrape against the back of his throat. He had no space left to wonder about what it could be, his mind fully consumed with getting it out. A tirade of nausea overcame him, and he automatically stumbled over to the bathroom, still hacking up a lung. As soon as he reached the toilet he collapsed over it, coughing and coughing until cold, fresh air was able to flow freely into his lungs. Yuta sat back against the wall, relishing in the fact that he was able to breathe again. He stayed there, just breathing in and out, until he finally felt normal enough to stand again. He reached over to flush the toilet, and that’s when he saw the small clump of pale yellow flower petals, floating around in the water. 

Yuta’s heart stopped.

He knew what they meant. He had heard all the stories about the flowers that would grow in your chest due to an unrequited love, but it had always seemed like a far away myth, something that happened to other people, across the world, something that would never happen to him. Yuta flushed the toilet quickly, hoping that it would just go away if he ignored it. After all, last time he checked, he didn’t consider himself to be in love with anyone. Despite his flirty nature, Yuta hadn’t really had many crushes. He remembered one time back in grade school, when he had seen a girl who made him stutter over his words and brought a flush to his cheeks, but that was barely even a crush. She was just pretty, and when Yuta got to know her he was turned off by her shallow personality and extremely materialistic nature. Since then he had barely had anything resembling a crush.

There were a couple times where he had almost felt something for a guy, but he always crushed those thoughts and stopped them from progressing any further past simple admiration of looks. He got pretty good at stopping himself from feeling anything. It came in handy when he became an idol, with the dating ban and everything. So who could these flowers be for? Yuta sat down on the toilet lid and hung his head in his hands. It had to be someone that he was close with. Yuta flipped through all the possible people in his mind, again and again, determined to find an answer. 

Part of him already knew, but he denied it again and again. Admitting it would mean having to deal with it, responsibly, which meant-

But in the end it was too obvious. Yuta gave in, hugging his knees to his chest, feeling incredibly small in the vast seriousness of his situation. Staring down at the floor, Yuta whispered the phrase that would change his life forever:

“I’m in love with Dong Sicheng.” And he doesn’t love me back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...was it okay? I'll try to update as fast as I can, but comments and kudos are appreciated and will probably motivate me to write faster! i hope you're prepared though because there's going to be a lot of hurting before it gets better bUT it will get better i promise


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuta and Sicheng's friendship, from the perspective of Yuta.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kind of a filler chapter i guess- it was fun to write, but it doesn’t really progress the plot quite yet. I tried to get it up quickly so i could start doing some actual plot writing, but that means i didn’t read it over very well. So, just a warning, there might be some mistakes or just like- badly put sentences. Anyway, enjoy some nice yuwin fluff <3

The first time Yuta met Sicheng was an absolute mess. In his defense, he was still new to Korea and hadn’t adjusted to their hectic schedule or the fact that he had to speak Korean in order to be understood. Everyone ended up thinking that he was this shy, more soft spoken person, but his lack of conversation was only due to his language barrier. One on one conversations he could handle, but whenever he was in a larger group he tended to struggle. He would be so caught up in making sure that he understood everyone that by the time he had thought of a contribution it was no longer relevant. And so when the managers told them that they were bringing in a new Chinese trainee, Yuta couldn’t help but feel slightly disappointed. NCT was supposed to be a group with no limits, which meant that they could have members from all across the globe. Yuta had been hoping for at least one other Japanese member, just to help him not feel so lost all the time. But he tried to keep an open mind as they waited for the new member to arrive. 

“Hello! My name is Dong Sicheng. I- I hope you’ll accept me, I’ll try my- my best!” Yuta looked lazily up at the newcomer, feeling a smile tug at the corner of his mouth at the sound of their broken Korean. It seemed like they were even worse at the foreign language then he was. As soon as his eyes landed on their face, his teasing grin immediately dropped. The boy was- adorable, to be frank. His floppy black hair fell gently over his wide doe like eyes, and his mouth was pursed into a shy smile. Yuta’s eyes traced over the gentle slope of his nose, the cute way his ears stuck out, the round curve of his cheekbones. When Sicheng brought a hand up to brush at his bangs, Yuta admired his long, thin fingers that looked like they would be soft to the touch. Yuta soon noticed that the other members had gotten up to greet him, making Yuta the only one still sitting. Whoops. Can you blame him though, when this delicate, ethereal, mesmerizing boy was standing in front of him? 

“...And this is Yuta, he’s probably a couple years older than you. Yuta? Yuta?” The said boy snapped out of his reverie to see the others staring down at him, Sicheng included. His eyes were practically glittering, and Yuta could almost see a faint blush on his cheeks. It was probably his imagination. Either way, it was unbelievably, breathtakingly,-

“Cute.” Shit. Wait. Did he say that out loud? From the way Johnny was clearly trying to hide a grin, Yuta could conclude that he did. He glanced at Sicheng with wide eyes, trying to find the right words to explain himself, but it was like all of his knowledge of the Korean language just flew out of his brain. He stumbled over a few words, but he had no idea to explain himself in a way that would save his dignity and his relationship with Sicheng. Speaking of Sicheng, his expression surprisingly hadn’t changed with Yuta’s outburst, albeit a tad more amused. Finally Yuta gave up, running a hand through his hair. “You looked really cute and I wasn’t expecting it and so my reaction just kind of slipped out and I hope that we can still be friends because I think that I’m going to like you a lot I mean clearly I already do-”

“Yuta-hyung, you’re speaking in Japanese, we can’t understand you.” Mark looked quizzically down at the older boy. Yuta sighed. 

“I know.” Yuta stood up and extended his hand to Sicheng, hoping to salvage some sort of good first impression. “Hi Sicheng, I’m Yuta. Nice to meet you. I’m sure that you’re going to do great.” Yuta gave him his best healing smile, and thankfully the other boy seemed to take it well. In the back of his mind, Yuta noted how tall Sicheng was, with legs that seemed to take up 90% of his body. Yuta wasn’t exactly a fan of his own height, but for some reason he didn’t seem to mind the few centimeters that Sicheng had over him. Sicheng gave him a bigger smile, showing his teeth, and oh my gosh Yuta hoped his face didn’t show how his insides had just melted at the sight. Sicheng gave him a soft thank you in his bumbling Korean, and a thought tugged at Yuta’s brain. Before he could overthink and decide against it, Yuta blurted out a suggestion. “Hey, do you want to get coffee sometime? I can tell you about some of the stuff I’ve learned- you know, as a foreigner to Korea.” Yuta bit his lip nervously. Was this too sudden? His gut was telling him to just dive into this friendship with Sicheng. 

“That sounds great.” Sicheng smiled like he couldn’t help it, and Yuta felt his shoulders relax with utter relief. The two boys stood there smiling at each other, basking in the moment of a found friendship.

The first time Yuta ever tried to kiss Sicheng was a revelation. They were long past the stages of cordial friendship, especially now that they were roommates (along with Taeil of course). Yuta had gotten more and more comfortable around the taller boy, and he was pretty sure that the other felt the same. It was hard to tell, with the way that he always seemed to pull away whenever Yuta got close or brushed off any affectionate words that Yuta showered him with. But Yuta also knew that he acted that way with everyone- Taeil was just like Yuta, constantly trying to be close to Sicheng, and the latter boy ran away just the same. But there were a few times, after a long day of hard work, when they were both falling asleep while watching some random anime that Yuta put on, when Sicheng would lean into Yuta’s touch, putting his head on his shoulder. And that made all the previous rejections, all the times Sicheng had lightly slapped him for getting too close while they were on broadcast, all worth it. 

And today was another one of those times, both of their eyelids drooping, Yuta occasionally murmuring a comment about the anime. Sicheng stayed silent, but Yuta could feel him drifting closer and closer, until he was finally close enough for Yuta to comfortably put his arm around him. Yuta leaned over, snuggling into the other boy. He didn’t know what had made him such a cuddly person. It just made sense. Why would you sit all by yourself when you could be wrapped around another warm body? And something about Sicheng made Yuta want to stay by his side forever. Just thinking about how much he valued the other’s friendship made Yuta feel soft. Unconsciously, he turned his head to the side and puckered his lips to give Sicheng’s neck a butterfly kiss. It was a habit, these air kisses. He had done it with his close friends back in grade school. But Yuta quickly remembered that Sicheng was different from his old friends, much more fragile and unpredictable, and Yuta pulled back before he let his lips touch the other’s skin. Sicheng was staring down at him with those large doe eyes, and Yuta glanced between them desperately as he tried to gauge the other’s reaction. The sounds of the anime faded into the background. After a moment Yuta knew that he had screwed up.

“I’m sorry, Winko…” Winko. The nickname had come naturally once Sicheng had decided on his stage name, Winwin. Now Yuta rarely called him Sicheng. It was always Winko, Winwin, or Winwinie. “It was just a habit. I- I didn’t mean to. I can-” 

“It’s fine.” Yuta had been staring at his hands while he talked, but now his head snapped up. Sicheng was looking forward at the laptop screen, his side profile beautifully illuminated by the white light. Yuta was afraid to speak, afraid to ruin this moment. “I don’t mind. I do like you, Yuta-hyung.” His voice dropped softer at the last sentence. He was giving Yuta a heart attack with the way he said those words, so carefully, like they were bubbles floating in the air that he was trying not to pop. And- well. It certainly made Yuta feel bubbly. He knew that Sicheng meant that he liked him as a friend- of course, what else could he mean- but the fact that he was okay with Yuta’s affection opened up a whole new door for the older boy. 

“Awww, you like me Winwinie? Guess I’ll just have to show you how much I like you as well!” Yuta slumped into the other’s side, pressing his face against the other’s shoulder before looking up at his face again. Sicheng looked so pretty like this- a full smile that he couldn’t seem to suppress, his hair slightly damp and tousled from his shower, his skin bare but glowing. Yuta wanted to capture this moment in his memories forever. The idol life would never get too hard as long as it meant being able to experience more times like this, with people like Sicheng by his side. And so, from that day on, Yuta stopped holding back. Whenever Sicheng came out of hair and makeup simply looking too good to be ignored, Yuta would tell him so with a smile and a hug. Whenever Winwin looked at him during an interview, Yuta would wink and grin at him. Whenever they parted for the day, Yuta would say goodbye with a blown kiss over his shoulder. One night, after a biting day of rejection and endless work, Sicheng had collapsed in front of Yuta, his face buried in the other’s shoulder so tightly that Yuta couldn’t tell if he was crying or not. 

“Hey, hey, it’s okay, Winko. It was just a bad day. They didn’t mean it. You did amazing, and I’m so proud of you.” Yuta continued to murmur comforting words into the other’s hair until his shaking stopped and his harsh breathing slowed. Yuta stroked his back, feeling a lump in his own throat just thinking about how broken Sicheng had looked that day. Why did the worst things always happen to the best people?

“Yuta-hyung.” Sicheng’s voice sounded raspier, but still the same low round tone that Yuta loved. “Promise that you’ll never leave me?” Yuta gulped, choking up. 

“Of course, Winwinie. As long as you stay by my side, I’ll always be here. I promise.” Sicheng murmured a small thanks, the words muffled by Yuta’s shoulder. They stayed like that, clinging onto each other like they were a liferaft in an ocean they were drowning in. After that day, Yuta thought that they had reached a new point in their friendship. They had seen each other at their lowest moments. They had to be best friends, at least. That’s what Yuta always considered them in his mind. He had no idea if Sicheng thought the same. They never spoke of that night after it happened, and Sicheng wasn’t really known for showing his emotions on his face too well.

And, unfortunately for Yuta, his actions didn’t always reflect them either. 

The first time Yuta ever felt jealous was, of course, over Sicheng. It wasn’t like Yuta was the only one who found Sicheng so endearing. In fact, almost all of the other members in NCT 127 were also constantly vying for his attention. More than once, Yuta found himself having to watch helplessly as someone like Jaehyun or Taeil stuck to Sicheng’s side. And Mark seemed to have an unhealthy obsession with Sicheng’s ears. But Yuta never let these instances truly affect him- why should they? They were all friends, and there was nothing wrong with Sicheng receiving attention from people other than Yuta. So Yuta smiled and laughed along, ignoring the pang of hurt that came with seeing Sicheng’s wide smile be given to someone other than him.

It all escalated when they had to pick roommates for their Osaka trip. They decided to change things up and do it randomly, picking names based on their in-ear sets. It was a fun idea, especially since it was all (current) 18 members. Yuta could see how it would help them all bond as a group if they ended up rooming with someone that they usually didn’t interact with. Yuta got paired with Doyoung, which he was relatively satisfied with. The two boys tended to bicker a lot, both being incredibly stubborn, but in the end Doyoung was a very caring and mature friend. Still, Yuta couldn’t help but feel a small twinge of disappointment as he walked back to his seat. The odds had been low, but it would’ve been a heart melting moment if he had gone up and picked Sicheng’s earpiece. He whined Winwin’s name wistfully, looking over at the other boy to see if he felt the same way. But Sicheng looked back at him blankly, the same neutral expression on his face. Yuta quickly glanced away. 

Then it was Chenle’s turn. Yuta recognized the ear set he picked up right away. While the other members exclaimed in delight, Yuta’s stomach was dropping through the floor. It was Sicheng. The said boy got up, a bright, genuine smile on his face as he walked over to hug Chenle. The younger boy was cackling with his dolphin laugh, and they both just looked so- happy. It send a pang of hurt through Yuta, as if someone was twisting a knife that he had already been stabbed with. Sicheng didn’t care that he wasn’t roommates with Yuta. He looked more excited to be with Chenle then he had ever been with Yuta. 

“Alright, so it’s all decided. Does anyone want to switch roommates?” Doyoung was back at the front now, looking around at the other gathered members.

“Me and Winwin.” Yuta’s hand shot up naturally, blurting out the statement that he had been practically manifesting for the last few minutes. The other members laughed, pushing Yuta’s shoulder playfully, and Doyoung glared at him with a look of mock hurt. Sicheng said nothing. Yuta allowed himself one last look at the younger boy but immediately regretted it. He was leaned over, whispering something in Chenle’s ear with a soft smile on his face. Chenle giggled, and the look they exchanged made Yuta feel like he was the third wheel instead of the person that Sicheng had been sleeping next to for the past few months. It was a harsh, cold wave of reality. Yuta could fantasize all he wanted about being Sicheng’s one and only best friend, but in the end the other boy would never return the same sentiment. He was just too good for Yuta, too far above him, and the shorter boy would always be running to try and keep up with him. 

In the present, Yuta pushed away the memories, shaking his head as if that would help clear them. The only possible way for him to get rid of this disease would be to fall out of love with Sicheng. Getting surgery to get the flowers removed would mean having to tell the other members and the company, and the prospect of never being able to love again made Yuta feel sick. And the final option- well. That was just out of the question. So as Yuta walked out of the bathroom, with his knees still a little weak and a tightness in his chest that seemed unable to go away, he made a vow. No longer would he let himself be entranced by Sicheng’s effortless charms. He would throw his time and attention into his work, into appreciating the other members and the success that they had gained. If he neglected the other boy as much as he could, he had to fall out of love with him. Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha is it obvious how whipped i am for sicheng? tag yourself i’m always yuta. The last scene doesn’t completely match up with the real life video but- oh well. I’m lowkey regretting the way I decided to write this fic,,, it probably would’ve been more powerful to follow them through their journey and include their debut and first performances and all of that but- alas, it’s too late. Hopefully it’s still okay?? Comments and kudos are appreciated :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuta puts Plan A: avoid Sicheng at all costs into action.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one HURT omg

“I’m here today with up and coming Kpop band NCT 127, who just announced the release date of their first album, Regular-Irregular!” The interviewer looked over at them brightly. The band was doing some pre-release marketing to add to the anticipation of the album release. This particular interview was for the foreign English speaking audience, making it an even bigger deal. 

“To the world, Ncity! Hi, we are NCT 127!” They finished with a wave of polite clapping, making sure to emphasize their big smiles and charming faces. Doing interviews like this got tiring at times, having to be constantly composed and charismatic no matter what the question. And they’ve gotten some really stupid questions (like about whether they rinsed their toothbrush before or after they put toothpaste on? Is that really the most important thing you have to know?). Luckily this interview seemed to be going okay, with just the usual topics. Yuta really didn’t have to say much, since he wasn’t an English speaker. Although most of their fans thought that his accented English was cute, Yuta still preferred to just stay silent and smile rather than try to answer a question and embarrass himself. 

“Well, we’ve never had any like bad interactions with our nctzens. It’s like um. They really mean like everything to us, and all we’ve ever received from them is like love, you know?” Yuta was barely paying attention (he had plenty of other things to worry about), but from the excessive amount of ‘likes’ he could conclude that it was Mark speaking. He sighed internally when he realized what the interviewer must’ve asked. It was annoying, how they were obviously trying to get them to admit that they had crazy fans that invaded their personal space and stalked them wherever they went. There were people like that, but Yuta didn’t really consider them fans. They were sasaengs, and that was a whole other category. The true fans always respected the members, supporting them no matter what. But of course, none of these interviewers seemed to understand that. 

“What about dating? Do any of you have a secret girlfriend?” Another classic question. Johnny picked up his microphone to begin their practically rehearsed answer about how no, they were not dating, since their love was saved for their fans. In a case of probably the worst timing ever, Sicheng leaned over to grab his water sitting beside his chair, his hand accidentally brushing Yuta’s. The older boy bristled, his muscles tensing. Something fluttered at the back of his throat and he tried his best to keep a neutral expression. The seating arrangement had been pre decided, otherwise Yuta would have sat as far away from Sicheng as he could. Ever since they first sat down Yuta had been sure to keep his eyes locked on the members sitting in front of him, especially Mark, since he was talking a lot. He felt Sicheng’s strong gaze on him, questioning his odd reaction, but Yuta didn’t dare make eye contact. 

The interview ended with them telling the viewers to look forward to their new album, effectively accomplishing their goal of promoting their new music. As soon as the cameras stopped rolling, Yuta jumped out of his seat and made his way off set as fast as he could. A hand grabbed at his wrist and Yuta felt cold fear grip his stomach, expecting it to be Sicheng.

“Yah, why are you in such a hurry?” Yuta let out a sigh of relief. It was just Taeyong, staring at him with an eyebrow quirked in a concerned expression. His mom instincts were probably tingling due to Yuta’s weird behavior. Behind their leader, Jungwoo was looking for him, clearly wanting a hug.

“~Yuta~” He called in his sweet high pitched voice. Yuta glanced between the two members, realizing that he couldn’t just blatantly show how hard he was trying to avoid Sicheng. If any of them caught wind of what he was doing, they would immediately start asking questions until they figured it out. And if they knew, they would probably tell him to go into surgery. Yuta didn’t want them to be worried about him, and he certainly didn’t want to get the flowers removed. At least, not yet. Not before he was sure that his Plan A wouldn’t work. 

“Sorry, I guess I was a little too eager to get home. The schedule has been really tiring.” Yuta gave Taeyong a hopefully convincing smile, but the other continued to look him up and down before finally turning away. Yuta then focused his attention on Jungwoo. “Yes, Jungwoo?” He grinned at the other as they put their arms around each other, walking back to the cars together. Yuta felt safe in his friend’s arms, his body relaxing for the first time since he had discovered he had hanahaki. So maybe it would be okay, after all. 

A few days later, after the interview had aired, Yuta looked out at the audience from the stage, feeling awe overtake him. Even after all these years of being a debuted idol, it still amazed him how this big stage would soon be consumed with a band that he was in. No matter how many times he walked onto stage for a live concert, the view of the vast audience would always be breathtaking. Everyday felt like a dream.

“It’s pretty cool, right hyung?” Yuta turned to see Mark looking out at the audience with a similar amazed expression. Yuta smiled at the sight. Even though he was technically an adult now, Mark still looked so small, with his wide eyes and big smile. Yuta could just shower him in hugs and kisses. An idea slowly formed in Yuta’s head. Whenever he felt the urge to hug or cuddle Sicheng, he would just do the same to Mark. It would be easy, Mark was very huggable and Yuta liked him a lot- but in a completely little brother sense. And so Yuta reached out and pulled Mark to his side, the younger clearly surprised but not objecting. 

“Mark is going to be so good up on stage today, hmm? Just like he was with that tiger in the music video.” Mark giggled, hitting playfully at Yuta’s arm.

“That was all CGI, hyung. There was no tiger.” Yuta hummed in disagreement, carding a hand through Mark’s hair. They continued their playful banter, Yuta staying draped over the younger. Doyoung walked by behind them, shaking his head. 

“YuMark is really the new thing, huh?” Doyoung said it in a joking tone, but Yuta was still confused. He let go of Mark to look at Doyoung questioningly. 

“What do you mean?” Doyoung pulled out his phone and brought up the interview that they had just done, scrolling down to the comments. “Aish, Doyoung, you have to stop looking so deeply into the fans' comments. We know how much you like to fight with sasaengs, but it’s kind of a bad habit.” Doyoung waved off Yuta’s comment, pointing at his phone screen. 

“Get you a man who looks at you the way Yuta looks at Mark… Yuta really stared into Mark’s soul when they were asked about dating… Yuta looks at Mark the way I look at my food in the microwave. Wow. I didn’t realize that you were staring at me, hyung.” Thankfully Mark didn’t seem weirded out at all, but Yuta still felt bad. He rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, looking apologetically over at Mark. 

“Sorry, I must’ve been zoning out.” Yuta clenched and unclenched his hand nervously. Mark shrugged, no hint of worry on his face. 

“It’s fine. It’s really nothing compared to what Donghyuck does to me.” Yuta laughed at that, realizing that it was true. Donghyuck had been all over Mark ever since he had walked into the SM building for the first time. 

“Canada!” Mark sighed, not even bothering to look over his shoulder to see who called. 

“Speaking of… I should probably go, you know, make sure he’s not starting a fire or anything.” Yuta nodded, giving Mark one last hug before watching him run to go find Donghyuck before he caused any trouble. Doyoung left as well, going to get changed for their on stage rehearsal. Yuta was left alone to himself and his thoughts, a situation that he desperately wanted to avoid. He thought that he could feel a pair of eyes boring into him from over his shoulder, but he brushed the feeling aside, heading backstage to get ready. Throw yourself into work, he remembered, repeating his vow. That’s all he had to do. 

Yuta got into line for the start of the song, in between Jungwoo and Mark. So far so good. No need to worry. He had barely interacted with him (he should probably stop saying his name so much in his head) in the past couple of days. He made an extra effort to get up earlier in the morning and go to bed later in the evening just to avoid talking to him. He spent more and more time in the other member’s rooms. The last time they’d touched was that one accidental brush in the interview. Wait. The interview. Yuta knew him well enough to understand that he had an unhealthy obsession with reading the fans’ comments. Even if they were outrageous or negative, he was practically addicted to them. There was no way he could’ve missed the tirade of comments about Yuta and Mark. Without thinking, Yuta glanced over at him. Sicheng. He was wearing a pair of skinny jeans that hugged his long, thin legs with a loose black shirt that hung off his frame, and the combination made him look so soft and sexy at the same time. But then he reached a hand up to push his hair off his forehead, and his shirt collar fell aside to reveal his collarbones, and screw being soft he was just hot. Yuta’s hands twitched at his side, wanting to go over and just throw himself at the other boy. In that moment he knew that clinging to Mark and the other members would never be the same, as long as Sicheng was still existing and looking that good even when they were just rehearsing and oh gosh how was Yuta ever going to survive seeing him in his stage outfit with his makeup and hair done-

Yuta doubled over, coughing. His panicky train of thought had prevented him from noticing the growing itch at the back of his throat, and now it had escalated to the point where he couldn’t even talk without coughing first. Mark and Jungwoo looked at him in concern, and he hurriedly waved them off, mumbling something about swallowing the wrong way. But the staff didn’t seem to notice or be concerned, since soon after they called out that they would be starting the music, and Yuta felt a cold pit of dread form in his stomach. His mind was a hurricane of worries with practically no room to focus on dancing. Luckily his muscle memory took him through the intro of the song, giving him time to calm himself down. But there was no way that the flowers would go away through sheer will. Yuta prepared himself for a painful three and a half minutes. For once he didn’t mind his minimal amount of lines, since it ensured that the attention wouldn’t be on him long enough for anyone to realize that something was wrong.

But even in the background, dancing was nearly impossible if you were struggling to breathe. Yuta’s chest heaved as he tried his best to resist the urge to cough. He played it off as just being overly tired, but he knew how suspicious his actions looked. The other members, with an unspoken understanding that Yuta needed help, pushed him along when he was lagging behind and covered for him when he made a mistake. Normally Yuta would refuse the help, but right now he was eternally grateful. The flowers in his throat seemed to be bristling angrily, getting worse whenever he was in close proximity to Sicheng. At one point Yuta’s vision went hazy from the lack of oxygen he was getting, and he considered running offstage and risking it all just to make sure that he didn’t faint in front of everyone. 

It was possibly the longest three minutes of his life, but Yuta made it through. Barely. The second that everyone dropped out of position Yuta was running offstage, calling out some excuse of having to need the bathroom. Yuta closed the door to the bathroom and huddled against it, letting out the hacking coughs that he had been holding in. He could feel the flowers coming up and he crouched in front of the toilet, petals pouring out of his mouth. Tremors racked his body for a few more minutes before slowly residing. When Yuta’s vision cleared, he saw an array of orange petals floating in the water, with a fully formed flower in the middle. Shit. It was getting worse. Yuta leaned back against the wall, letting the icy tile cool his heated skin. Plan A wasn’t going to work. Even though the idea had been nagging at him the whole day, admitting it was still a crushing defeat. Yuta felt like he was falling down a long, dark, chamber, and all these attempts to save himself was like flailing his arms. Nothing could truly slow him down. Part of Yuta wanted to just let go, let the pain consume him until all he could see was darkness. Slowly falling apart was too agonizing, too heartbreaking. 

“Yuta?” There was a series of rapid knocks at the door. Yuta tensed for a moment, but quickly recognized Taeyong’s voice. He flushed the toilet, making sure that there were no signs of what just happened before opening the door. Taeyong immediately barged in, pushing Yuta back into the room. 

“Taeyong? Sorry, I was feeling really nauseous. Nothing serious. Do- did the others think my reaction was weird?” Yuta bit his lip, trying to glance outside the door to see if anyone had followed Taeyong. The said boy looked at Yuta with a harsh glare, but his anger was clearly masking an immense amount of concern. 

“Cut the crap, Yuta. I know you have hanahaki. Just tell me who-” Yuta’s eyes widened, his head reeling. Taeyong knew? Before he had time to process when or how the older figured it out, there was the sound of pounding feet outside the door, and suddenly Sicheng was standing there, an unusual look of fear on his face. 

“Yuta- Taeyong- what’s going on-” Sicheng blinked quickly, his gaze darting all around the room before landing on Yuta with a look full of such caring and concern that Yuta just couldn’t take it anymore. The petals surged up inside his throat and he was on the floor again, his lungs heaving as they fought to take in air. His mind was spinning between Taeyong’s confrontation and the sight of Sicheng, and it was all too much. He hazily registered Jaehyun coming up behind Sicheng and pulling him away, much to the other’s protest. He felt a hand rubbing his back and heard someone telling him to breathe and concluded that it was Taeyong, the other boy’s voice riddled with worry and desperation. Yuta tried to fight the petals rattling around in his chest, but he was just so tired and it was all so hopeless that his body lost all motivation. He recalled his earlier wish to just dive into the darkness, and indulged it. It was like falling asleep, and Yuta hoped that maybe when he woke up he would be rested. And so despite the pleading cries of Taeyong and the ever recurring image of Sicheng, Yuta gave into the darkness creeping over him and let himself go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Don’t mind me somewhat projecting my feelings about how annoying american interviewers can be into this fic). The tags promise a happy ending and I will deliver, don’t worry. Comments and kudos are appreciated!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuta recovers, and he gets some answers to his many questions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one hurt as well i hate my earlier self for thinking that i could endure this many chapters of this

When Yuta woke up, he was tucked into a bed inside of a dorm room that wasn’t his own, judging by the unfamiliar posters and possessions that surrounded him. Surprisingly, he wasn’t alone. He thought he was at first, since the room was silent and there was no one in sight, but then he felt the pressure of a hand sitting on his arm, and looked over to see Taeyong asleep in a chair beside him. The memories of the past day came flowing back to Yuta, and his head pounded with an impending stress headache. How on earth did Taeyong know about Yuta’s predicament- and did Sicheng hear- and if he did, was he aware that he was the one making Yuta like this? As if he could hear Yuta’s swirling thoughts, Taeyong stirred in his chair and blinked his eyes open. His pupils went wide at the sight of Yuta, an overwhelming look of relief relaxing his face. Yuta wasted no time in peppering him with questions. He couldn’t help it.

“Hyung- how did you know- when did you- did you tell him? Do you know that it’s him? Well, shit, I just revealed that it’s a him and not a girl but screw it because you probably already knew that since apparently you can read my freaking mind-” Yuta’s voice was still hoarse from his ordeal the other day, but he barely even noticed. 

“Hey, hey, calm down.” Taeyong put a hand on Yuta’s shoulder, murmuring for him to take a moment and just breathe. With a start Yuta was reminded of the overwhelming panic he had felt earlier when he was sucking in air as hard as he could but couldn’t find any resolve. He shuddered, trying to forget the memory. Once his breathing returned to normal, Taeyong began speaking again. “I guess I owe you quite the explanation, don’t I?” Yuta nodded vigorously, pushing himself up into a sitting position despite Taeyong’s yelp and his body’s groan of protest. 

“Tell me everything. Please.” Yuta was tired of guessing, of constantly trying to read people and overthinking to a point of distress. He just wanted answers, not only to Taeyong’s story but also his own situation. If someone could just tell him what he should do, maybe he’d feel a little bit better. Taeyong sighed, looking down at his hands.

“It’s a simple answer, really. Look, Yuta, we all know you extremely well, better than you might realize. So it was pretty obvious when something was off. And the coughing fits, constant bathroom runs, the sudden sensitivity around physical affection… I know the signs of hanahaki when I see them. Mostly because- well. I had hanahaki myself.” Yuta’s head snapped over to look at the older boy, feeling his mouth drop open naturally. Taeyong had gotten hanahaki?

“You- wha- when? Who? Wait- you’re not dying now, are you?” Yuta was even more confused now, the questions falling past his lips one after another with no way of stopping them. Taeyong waved his hands hurriedly.

“No, no, no, you don’t have to be worried about me. It was years ago, before you had even debuted. Back when there was just NCT U. It was- it was over another member.” Yuta shook his head in disbelief.

“Another member? Hyung, you- wait.” The pieces were slowly coming together in Yuta’s brain. “It’s Jaehyun, isn’t it?” It wasn’t a question as much as it was a declaration. The two of them always seemed to be on another wavelength, sharing secret glances and communicating with just a look and a hand signal. Yuta had thought that it was just because of the amount of time they spent together as trainees and in NCT U, or maybe that off the charts handsome people shared some sort of connection. But now he understood- the reason Taeyong was always laughing at what Jaehyun said or gazing at him with the softest, widest eyes (or slapping his (nonexistent) ass in front of the cameras)- he was in love with him. Wait. If Taeyong had contracted hanahaki that long ago- and he said that he didn’t have to worry about him- so he was better. “Did- did you get the surgery?” Maybe he had fallen out of love with Jaehyun, but based on Yuta’s own attempts to do something similar, he assumed that it was nearly impossible. 

“I sure hope not.” Yuta turned his gaze to see Jaehyun standing at the door, coming inside quietly and shutting the door again. “If Taeyongie got his ability to love removed, I might start coughing up petals any day now. Oh. It’s definitely too soon to joke about that, sorry Yuta.” The said boy was rubbing a hand over his face, thoroughly fed up with the amount of plot twists that were being thrown at him. 

“I- screw my problems right now, please just tell me what’s going on between you two.” Jaehyun sat down beside Taeyong and put an arm around him. 

“We’re dating.” This was unbelievable. In the back of his mind, Yuta reprimanded himself for being so thick that he didn’t even notice that two of his closest friends were banging each other. “I thought that I was straight for pretty much my whole life until I met Taeyong. We had a rough couple of months where Taeyong was developing hanahaki and I was questioning my sexuality like crazy, but eventually we figured it out and Taeyong got better. And so here we are.” They smiled at each other like they couldn’t help it. Gross. Yuta tried to return their look of happiness, but it felt forced. He was happy for them, truly, but it hurt to see Taeyong and Jaehyun experiencing everything that Yuta wished he could. 

“Does the company know?” That was certainly the million dollar question. Korean society hadn’t really reached the point of accepting queer people, and for that reason coming out as an idol was strictly forbidden in most companies. To Yuta’s utter surprise, Taeyong nodded. 

“Actually, yes. We really couldn’t hide it from them forever, and it was better just to tell them outright then be caught in a scandal. The company themselves are okay with it- they’re not so much homophobic themselves as much as they are worried about ruining the company’s image- as long as we keep it a tightly locked secret. Travel separately when possible, not too many vlives together, and of course only physical affection behind doors. It was really hard, at first. I mean, how tempting is it to just let go and just shout out your secrets to the world?” Yuta nodded, recalling his urges to just kiss Sicheng and get all this pain over with as soon as possible. “But we had to be careful. If not for our own lives, then for all of you. The scandal would ruin NCT and all of your careers. So we kept it up, for years upon end, until it became like second nature.” Yuta’s throat felt choked up, but this time it wasn’t because of the flowers. The idea of Taeyong and Jaehyun struggling through their relationship, wanting to be together but barely being able to show it. They endured all of that for them, for their friends. Yuta could really use a dose of that strength right now. 

“You- you guys-” Yuta glanced between them, trying to figure out how to communicate the endless gratitude and admiration he felt in one sentence. He resorted to the one thing that he knew how to do best. He hugged both of them, squeezing them so tightly that it probably hurt but at this point Yuta didn’t even care. As soon as he felt their arms wrap around him he broke, the sobs that he had been holding in stumbling out one after another. He cried until his throat burned, praying that the pain and terror he had been hiding the past couple weeks would finally ebb away. But once he had calmed down and Taeyong and Jaehyun had pulled away, Yuta realized that the tears he had just lost were simple drops in a giant ocean inside of him. 

“I should probably go back out before anyone gets suspicious. They’re all really worried about you, but I’m sure you don’t really want- everyone coming in yet.” Jaehyun gave him a pointed look, and Yuta vaguely remembered him pulling Sicheng away right before Yuta went unconscious. So Jaehyun knew. Yuta looked questioningly up at him. Was it that obvious? Jaehyun nodded tiredly, and Yuta’s stomach flipped nervously. If Jaehyun could figure it out, then that meant that-

“Don’t worry, there’s no way Sicheng knows. He may be smart as hell, but he’s also really dumb. And no one outside of 127 would know you well enough to figure it out either.” Taeyong rubbed Yuta’s shoulder comfortingly. Yuta let out a breath of relief. 

“That makes no sense, hyung. Smart and dumb at the same time?” Yuta gave the other a weak smile, trying to lighten up the mood after everything that happened. 

“You know what I mean.” There was a long pause, not an awkward we-don’t-know-what-to-say one, but more of a warm, cozy, silence that wrapped around Yuta like a fuzzy blanket. Everything would be fine. He had Taeyong, now. And Jaehyun. Yuta still couldn’t fully shake the feeling of loneliness that weighed down on him, but it did dim a little. Taeyong cleared his throat, breaking the moment. “So. What are you going to do?” Yuta’s face fell, and his shoulders slumped.

“I have no idea. Just- avoid him and hopefully get better? Worst case I can confess to get it all out and then get on the nearest flight out of the country.” Yuta cracked a smile, not wanting to face the seriousness of his problem. But Taeyong didn’t indulge him, looking at him with a heavy stare.

“You shouldn’t joke about that. I’ll do everything I can to make sure that you can stay with us. But you can’t keep going on like this. The petals were orange yesterday- you’re getting worse way faster than I ever did.” Yuta ran a hand through his hair, his fingers trembling. He didn’t know what to say. Taeyong was right, of course, but he was nowhere near ready to admit that. “I think you should get the surgery.” Yuta’s head whipped to look at the other boy in shock and disgust.

“What? No. I’m never- you’re crazy.”

“It’s your only option, Yuta!” Yuta had never heard Taeyong raise his voice like this. His sharp features were usually softened with his sunshiney personality, but right now they were downright scary. Yuta threw the covers off of him and stood up, stumbling a little. Taeyong grabbed his arm, but Yuta ripped it away. “Yuta, if you leave right now I swear-”

“What are you going to do? Kill me? Guess what, Taeyong, I’m already dying! And if I have to live the rest of my life as an emotionless monster, I might as well be dead.” Yuta spat the words at Taeyong. His head was boiling with anger at everything in his sight. At Taeyong for telling him to do something that he didn’t want to (and yet being so stupidly right that it made him want to punch something), at the universe for letting him fall for someone that would never love him back, and at Sicheng for being born so beautiful and barging his way into Yuta’s life in such a manner that the older boy just couldn’t resist. It was always destined to be this way. Yuta, dying tragically over the ethereal boy that just wasn’t meant for him. 

Yuta shoved open the door, his blood pounding in his ears. The world was foggy with rage, and Yuta was ready to forge a path of destruction through it. He stomped his way down the hallway, head turning to look for the nearest exit. He needed to be away from all of these familiar people, wanted to get lost in a crowd of strangers and be able to let himself be free without ever having to consider consequences. It would be liberating. 

“Yuta!” A hand grabbed his shoulder and turned him around. Yuta’s fists clench and he grit his teeth, a flurry of insults ready to take Taeyong down. 

As soon as he saw those soft, doe like brown eyes he knew that he was fucked. The fiery words drained out of him, along with all the fury that had filled him up just seconds ago. Sicheng. He looked- not well, to be honest. Black circles hung below his eyes, and his hair was sticking up all over the place. His whole body looked tense, and Yuta resisted the urge to massage away his stress, rub his thumb over his blotchy cheek, pat down his wild hair. Sicheng’s eyes went wide, his gaze darting up and down Yuta, inspecting everything about him.

“Yuta-hyung- you’re okay.” Sicheng’s face relaxed, his lips curving up into a small smile. The fear in his eyes dissolved into content, as if that was all that he needed to know. That Yuta was okay. Yuta was frozen, his eyes drinking in as much of Sicheng as he could. The length of his eyelashes, the arch of his eyebrows, the curve of his cheekbones. He had been deprived of all of this for weeks now, and now he never wanted to look away again. And- shit, now the other was biting his lip and his mouth was so pretty and pink and inviting-

Yuta tore himself away, exhausting all the strength he had left. Sicheng let out a sound of alarm, automatically reaching out to pull the other back to him.

“No, please, hyung, don’t leave again-” Sicheng sounded desperate, but when his hands grabbed out he only came up with empty air. Yuta had begun to run, blinking away at the tears that came as he tried not to think of the look on Sicheng’s face as he left him. “Yuta! Please. You’re my best friend, I- I need to know what’s wrong.” Sicheng was yelling after him, trying to follow but clearly conflicted. “Please just tell me what I did.” He sounded so broken, and Yuta’s heart screamed at him to turn around. But he kept his feet moving, the words ‘best friend’ bouncing back and forth inside his brain. That’s all you’ll ever be to him, just a friend. He deserves the world, not some disgusting gay piece of trash like you. Yuta anticipated the flowers long before he felt them. He forced his way into the nearest room before collapsing, muffling his full body coughs with his hand as best as he could. They never stopped, the tremors practically on top of each other. When Yuta grabbed a handful of petals, he already knew that they were going to be red. He heard the sound of footsteps outside in the hall, and he cursed himself for not remembering to close or lock the door. His chest heaved and he gagged, vomiting up a full flower. Feeling something trickle down to his chin, Yuta wiped at his face and gagged when he saw that it was blood. And he still couldn’t breathe, he had no idea if this hell was ever going to stop. This is how he was going to die. Alone, scared, and hacking up red petals. 

“YUTA! What- oh my god.” And then Sicheng was there, cradling his head and brushing the flowers away from his face. “You have hanahaki why didn’t you tell me Yuta you better start breathing right now or I will punch you.” Yuta tried to laugh, but he had no air to do so, so it came out as a feeble wheeze. Sicheng was crying, but he didn’t even seem to notice the tears streaming down his face, every single one of his actions consumed with Yuta. “You- I’m calling an ambulance.” Sicheng yanked out his phone, hands shaking as he dialed. Yuta wanted to tell him that it was hopeless, that there was no way to fix his dying body, and at least he got to spend his last moments with the one person that mattered most. Once the ambulance was on its way, Sicheng went back to holding Yuta, his hands fluttering from his face to his hair and to his back, trying to find some way to make the other boy feel better. “Yuta if you don’t start breathing right now I’m never watching anime with you again,” he whispered, his voice breaking on the last word, realizing that if the other boy indeed stopped breathing, there would be no possibility of being able to do anything with him. Yuta gagged, one last flower falling out of his mouth before his vision started getting spotty, the words that he wanted to say to Sicheng swallowed up by the petals in his throat and the ragged scream that tore out from the other boy.

What a beautifully tragic image, Yuta, surrounded by a halo of blood red petals, letting out a last breath while being held by the boy he loved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There’s still four more chapters and an epilogue so don’t freak out! So sorry for throwing in that insult to jaehyun’s ass, we still love you and your extended back jeffrey. As usual, comments and kudos are appreciated :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sicheng and Yuta’s friendship, from the perspective of Sicheng.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AH i'm sorry that this took longer than usual, i was a little busy and then decided to write down this idea i had for a txt fic and i,,, ended up writing like the whole first chapter sO i got a little sidetracked. This chapter also was harder to write and I haven't read it over very carefully so I apologize for any mistakes!
> 
> also! thank you to everyone who's been commenting and leaving kudos! it genuinely helps me so much when i'm writing to know that i'm doing okay :)

The last time Sicheng ever hesitated before speaking was when he was with Yuta. They had gone out to get coffee, wearing masks and dark hoods to keep themselves incognito. Sicheng knew what his order was going to be; he kept it the same every time they went out. Still, he rehearsed the words over and over in his head. Speaking with the other members was one thing, if Sicheng ever slipped up on the pronunciation of a word they would just smile and gently correct him if needed. Especially since there were so many foreign members, their conversations were always a little bit hindered by someone not knowing a word. So Sicheng never thought much about what he said or how he said it. But speaking in public was a different story. These people didn’t know him, they weren’t used to his accent, and they wouldn’t be so forgiving of his slow sentences and careful words. Sicheng could always see the worst case scenario in his head: him saying something and the barista not understanding, asking him to repeat it over and over and Sicheng not knowing what he was doing wrong. They would be stuck in that loop forever until Sicheng would likely run out of the cafe. 

And so when Yuta stepped aside to let Sicheng place his order, he hesitated, scanning the menu one last time to make sure that he was saying the right thing, running through the syllables again and again. When he finally spoke, he moved his mouth carefully, enunciating each vowel and consonant to a point where it was almost too much. When the barista nodded, punching in his order, Sicheng let out a small breath of relief. Next to him, Yuta chuckled, putting a hand on Sicheng’s shoulder. 

“Wow, that was perfect Korean! You’ve really been working hard.” Sicheng was about to mumble out a thanks to the other boy when all of a sudden he leaned closer, whispering into Sicheng’s ear. “Remember what I told you in our first Korean lesson?” Sicheng did. He remembered everything about those meetings. Back then he had been awkward around Yuta, fidgeting with his long limbs and feeling uncomfortable under the other’s piercing gaze and bright smile. Sicheng had expected Yuta to pull out a textbook and lecture him on grammar, but instead they just- talked. Yuta told him stories of his own navigation of the foreign country, always throwing in a joke to make Sicheng smile. He asked Sicheng about his hometown, what it was like there, what he missed about it, always ending that conversation with a reassurance that he would learn to love Korea just as much. At the end of their first lesson, with Sicheng’s nerves having been calmed a little bit, Yuta had leaned forward to give one last piece of advice, which he now repeated into Sicheng’s ear.

“Don’t be too stiff about it, yeah? Everyone is kinder than you think, and they’re always way too caught up in their own lives to notice someone stutter over a word.” Sicheng felt a small smile wriggle its way onto his face. Yuta paused quickly before throwing in one last statement. “Plus, your Korean is adorable.” Sicheng automatically leaned away elbowing the other boy and forcing a glare to hide the way that his heart had skipped at the compliment. Yuta laughed, his healing smile so big and goofy that Sicheng couldn’t help but throw an arm around him as they walked out of the cafe, with identical grins and blushing cheeks. 

After that day, Sicheng always spoke with confidence. 

The last time Sicheng ever cried over a fan’s comment, he was with Yuta. They were winding down after a long day of promotions, having just released Cherry Bomb a few weeks ago. Sicheng was scrolling on his phone as he usually did, looking at the feedback of their most recent performance. For the most part, everyone loved it. Sicheng should’ve stopped there, knowing that all of their loyal fans still supported them. But Sicheng couldn’t stop, he wouldn’t be satisfied until he could see the other side of the argument. It was a constant battle, half of him actively searching for the criticism while the other half of him begged to go to sleep and forget about it. In fact, he was about to throw away his phone and roll over when he saw-

‘That one guy in the hat really did nothing LOL they should just kick him out to save money.’ Sicheng’s hand froze and he felt his heart stop. The person who made that comment probably meant nothing by it, just looking and observing and making a stupid joke. But it was as if they added the one last pebble that tipped over Sicheng’s tower of worries. It was true, he thought. He had gotten maybe two seconds of lines in the song, and he wasn’t even center for dancing for very long and he even messed up a few steps in the choreography, so why was he even still in the group? His looks? No way. Sicheng looked at himself in the black mirror of his phone screen and felt his whole mood drop at the sight. His face was freshly washed, making the uneven tone of his skin stand out even more. His eyes looked ugly without any eye makeup, and his ears stuck out way too much. He was useless. He was a waste of money. Sicheng didn’t notice the tears until they dropped onto his phone. He cursed, wiping them away. Ever since he was a child he’d taught himself not to cry. It was unflattering and weak, and it did nothing but make him even more sad. But the idol life had worn him down, rubbed salt into old wounds that he’d been hiding his whole life. Worthless. Untalented. Undeserving. 

“Winwinnie?” Yuta came into their room, eyes immediately darting around to figure out what was wrong. When he caught sight of Sicheng’s phone in his hand, his whole demeanor softened with understanding. “Oh no, Winko. Hey, it’s okay. Whatever they said isn’t true. What did they say?” Yuta walked over to the bed and gathered Sicheng into his arms, making the latter feel small and caged in despite their height difference. Sicheng wanted to answer the other, but he was afraid of his voice breaking. So he just shook his head, hiding his face and letting Yuta hold him. “Okay, then. If I don’t know what they said, then I’ll just tell you why whatever it was doesn’t matter.” Sicheng tensed. He wasn’t sure if he could handle one of Yuta’s why-i-love-you rants right now. His brain might go on emotional overload. “You amaze me, Winko. You work your ass off all the time, even on the laziest days. You have the prettiest voice and your dancing is breathtaking. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Even though you pretend to be nonchalant with the rest of us, I know that you wouldn’t hesitate for a second to sacrifice everything you’ve worked for just to save one of us. You’re truly an angel, and NCT 127 will never be quite complete without you. Okay?” Yuta began to pull back, and Sicheng automatically grabbed at his arms, his hands tightening with fear. Yuta let out a low chuckle. “Don’t worry, Winko, I’m not leaving. I made a promise, remember?” And when Yuta looked into his eyes, giving him the most genuine, caring smile, Sicheng couldn’t help the way his fondness for the other boy bubbled up from his stomach all the way onto his face in the form of a wide smile. He stared into Yuta’s eyes, letting them guide him out of the dark hole that he had been in before. 

From that day on, whenever he saw a negative comment, Sicheng always repeated Yuta’s words in his head until they flowed over the hateful ones, drowning them.

The last time Sicheng ever believed that he was straight was when he was with Yuta. They were standing on stage at an awards show, waiting anxiously to see if Cherry Bomb would win. Sicheng didn’t let himself hope. He had learned that he would rather set his expectations low and be rewarded rather than set them too high and be disappointed. Next to him, however, Yuta seemed to be in the opposite mindset. He kept glancing over at Sicheng with a blinding smile on his face, his whole body bouncing with excitement.

“This is going to be our first win, Winko. I know it.” Sicheng shook his head at the other, an amused look on his face. He wanted to stay serious for the cameras, but he couldn’t help it.

“How do you know for sure?” Yuta shrugged, his expression never faltering for a second.

“I don’t. But it’s always better to be confident. Otherwise you’ll never be able to truly enjoy a success. You’d be too busy trying to play it down.” Yuta threw his arm around Sicheng’s shoulders, unaware of how much his words affected the other. Sicheng looked at Yuta in wonder out of the corner of his eye. How was he so wise at such a young age? And without seeming to realize it? The MC’s began to speak and numbers began to flash up on the screen. A wave of nerves washed over Sicheng. He didn’t want to look at the screen, the anticipation too much for him. So instead he just kept his gaze on Yuta, his eyes tracing his near perfect side profile and down to the oversized jacket that he was wearing over a deep v-neck shirt. Sicheng debated telling the stylists to stop putting Yuta in clothing that made him look tiny and yet somehow seductive. To be fair, Yuta could be wearing rags and would probably still look stunning. The numbers finally stopped, a winner decided, and Sicheng still couldn’t look. But judging by the sudden cries around him, it looked like NCT 127 had scored their first win. 

And so Sicheng took Yuta’s advice and allowed himself to celebrate. Nearby, Taeyong was hastily trying to give some sort of speech into his microphone, but he kept having to look down to hide his overly emotional state. Doyoung ended up with the trophy, admiring it and laughing. Sicheng turned his head this way and that, and felt a warmth grow inside at him as he was met with his members’ grins and disguised tears. An overwhelming sense of gratitude overcame him. He thanked the world for giving him this, this career, this success, and these friends that were practically family to him. A body hurdled into him, and Sicheng stumbled.

“Winwinnie! We did it!” Yuta. Sicheng thanked the world for giving him Yuta, this ball of energy that had sprung into his life, staying with Sicheng no matter how many times he glared at him or made a snarky comment, or simply pushed him away when he wanted to be left alone. And so Sicheng put his arms around the other boy, meeting him halfway and clinging just as hard. The look of surprise and joy in Yuta’s eyes was worth it. The older boy leaned closed, whispering something for just the two of them. “I told you so. Next step, conquering the world!” Sicheng laughed freely, no need to hide his smile behind a hand. Yuta grinned back at him, his eyes shining and face positively glowing. Looking at him, Sicheng felt something flutter in his chest, the same way it had the first time he had laid eyes on the boy. Sicheng never wanted to let go, he wanted to always be able to see Yuta smile from the moment he woke up to the moment he went to sleep, hopefully cuddling Sicheng while he did and maybe-. His smile slowly faded as the realization came over him. It was as obvious as the sun in the sky. Sicheng had been telling himself that he was straight for his whole life, but the truth was that he had never really looked at anyone in that way. No one ever interested him. Only now did he see that the reason he hadn’t had the chance to even consider dating was not from the dating ban placed on the group. It was because his whole mind, his whole world was utterly consumed with Nakamoto Yuta. 

Sicheng’s first reaction was to let go of the other boy, push him away like he had done every other time. But part of him begged to not let go, whining about how much he would regret it. But he didn’t get the chance to make the decision, because all of a sudden Yuta pulled away with a gasp, hurrying over to join the other members in the encore. Sicheng was left staring off into nothing, his head still reeling. He took a deep breath. Okay. He could either continue to be distant while he overanalyzed these feelings into the ground, or pretend that none of this ever happened and somehow convert himself back into denial. 

He chose the second option, of course.

And so Sicheng joined the other members in their encore, reveling in the feeling of finally being enough. He grinned at the way Taeyong finally broke down mid split. When he glanced over at Yuta, he forced himself to repeat the words ‘best friend’ over and over until they didn’t feel like words anymore. And even though he had told himself that he would never cry in public, Sicheng couldn’t help the single tear that traced its way down his cheek.

After that day, Sicheng concluded that he did like boys. In general. Not one in particular. 

Sicheng had pushed that last memory so far away that it didn’t hit him until he was standing on a similar stage, one year later, watching Yuta fawn over Mark. You don’t love him, he reminded himself. Bestfriendbestfriendbestfriend. It had taken him ages to work up the courage to go up to Yuta and apologize. He had lain awake for hours over the past few days, agonizing about what he had done wrong to make Yuta so angry at him. He always made sure to stay up until he heard the door open quietly and felt the soft padding of feet from the door and the bed. As soon as the sound of Yuta’s relaxed breathing filled the air, Sicheng let himself sleep, hoping that maybe he would find an answer in the morning. But everytime he opened his eyes to his alarm ringing, he found Yuta’s bed empty, the sheets already tucked in as if he had never been there in the first place. In the present, Sicheng cringed at the memory. He watched as Mark finally ran off, letting out a sigh of relief. Yuta stayed where he was, evidently deep in thought. Sicheng made his way toward him, trying not to let the other know he was there. He reached out a hand to tap on the other’s shoulder, but faltered. The memory of Yuta tensing up at his touch plagued his brain. Sicheng felt a pang in his chest, his hand dropping. He quickly backtracked, all of his courage leaving him in a rush. Not today, he thought. But there’s always tomorrow.

He was wrong. Suddenly Yuta was sick, rushing off to the bathroom, and Sicheng couldn’t help the way his feet carried him all the way to the bathroom door. But he only caught a glimpse of Yuta’s weak looking figure before Jaehyun pulled him away, giving him no explanation as to why he couldn’t go in there and comfort Yuta the way his mind was begging him to. And then he saw Yuta again, looking absolutely wrecked with his cheekbones looking too hollow and his hair falling limply over his forehead and his limbs seeming too bony, his whole body too thin. Sicheng knew that something was wrong. He prepared himself for Yuta to be sick, probably out for a few days, a week at most. Nothing could’ve prepared him for Yuta to be dying, coughing up bloody petals because some stupid person refused to love him back. 

In the present, Sicheng was pacing around a hospital waiting room, doing everything he could to not think about Yuta but somehow managing to think about Yuta even more if that was possible. Checking his phone every other second to see when the other members would be getting there, Sicheng kept asking the doctor again and again when they thought that Yuta would wake up. The answer was always the same, even if it was covered up in fancy words and hopeful statements. I don’t know. 

Sicheng was through with having lasts with Yuta. Taking a deep breath, he did his best to adopt the older’s mindset, trying to figure out what he would say in this moment. This would not be the last time that Sicheng ever saw Yuta. The last rehearsal would not be their last performance together. They hadn’t had their last hug yet, nor had Yuta given one of those breath stealing butterfly kisses to Sicheng’s neck for the last time. Sicheng thought of more and more non-existent lasts until they wrapped him up like a warm blanket. Sicheng finally made himself sit down. Staring determinedly down the blindingly white hospital hallway, Sicheng let himself hope, no, decide that he would have no more lasts involving Yuta. He still owed him a lifetime of firsts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please ignore the plothole of taeil casually not being in their room that one time i love you moon but this wasn’t your moment. maybe donghyuck invited him to a party or something idk. i hope you enjoyed!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sicheng is forced to face his growing feelings for Yuta.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm dragging out the ending of this fic so much i'm so sorry sjsjsjsjs 
> 
> thank you all for reading, commenting, and leaving kudos!

When the doctors finally let Sicheng see Yuta, he immediately rushed into the room. His heart broke at what he saw. Yuta looked so small lying in the giant hospital bed, with wires and tubes running from his fingers and arm to the machines whirring by his side. Sicheng slowly made his way over to his bedside, pulling up a chair. He placed his shaking hands over Yuta’s and dragged his eyes up to his face. He looked peaceful, at least. Yuta had always been a pretty sleeper, his eyelashes falling gently on his cheek and his eyebrows and lips relaxed into a content expression. But Sicheng just kept seeing how prominent his bones were underneath his skin, how pale his skin was, especially under the bright white light. 

“We have him hooked up to a breathing tube.” Sicheng jumped at the new voice, turning to see an apologetic looking nurse hovering behind him. “Sorry, did I scare you? You looked pretty deep in thought.” Sicheng shook his head, mumbling a reassurance. He wanted her to leave, but when he stared up at her friendly brown eyes, he realized that it would be unfair to be rude to someone that was just trying to help. And so he just blinked up at her, putting on his best welcoming expression. “The hanahaki was pretty developed when he got here, but since he’s unconscious there shouldn’t be anything triggering it to grow further at the moment. We shouldn’t need to have the surgery talk until he wakes up. Are you family?” 

“Yes. What’s the surgery?” Sicheng spoke without thinking. Whoops. But he had to find out what this surgery was, and he wasn’t about to be kicked out just because he and Yuta weren’t blood related. Maybe it was selfish of him, but if Yuta was going to be making a serious decision like that, then Sicheng wanted to know about it as well. The nurse looked a little taken aback at his direct question. 

“Oh, well, the most reliable way to cure hanahaki is to get it surgically removed.” Sicheng felt all of his stress dissolve. All it took was a simple surgery, and then Yuta could be back with the members again. “But the side effects always cause a little bit of conflict. So talking it over might take some time.” Side effects? Sicheng stared blankly at the nurse, and she shifted uncomfortably under his steady gaze. After a moment she seemed to get the message and kept talking. “You know, the big side effect. Losing the ability to love.” Sicheng’s whole body stiffened, and his hands froze from where they were over Yuta’s. Never again? Sicheng’s head whipped back around to look at Yuta, his face still so blank and pale. If Yuta got the surgery, would he still be as flirtatious? Would he still want to cuddle and kiss Sicheng? Sicheng tried to hope that Yuta would come out the other side as the same person minus romantic feelings. But he couldn’t help but imagine a different Yuta, one who kept to himself, one who rarely smiled, one whose body stopped radiating warmth but instead felt cold and limp. Sicheng clutched Yuta’s hand, as if he was trying to grab on to the Yuta he knew before he disappeared. The nurse clearly saw the distress in Sicheng’s reaction, and backed away to the door. “I’ll leave you two alone for a little while.” Sicheng breathed out a sigh of relief. 

He figured that he should say something to Yuta. Wasn’t there something about familiar voices helping people make their way back to consciousness? Sicheng sat there for a while, contemplating about what he should say. He heard the clock ticking quietly behind him, and he groaned, leaning his head against the bed. Don’t overthink it. Just talk. 

“Um.” His voice was still slightly rough from the choked up tears that he’d been holding in for the past many hours. He cleared his throat and tried again. “Hi, Yuta-hyung. Um. It’s Sicheng- or Winko- I guess.” Sicheng felt self consciousness prick at the back of his neck. He slowly inhaled and exhaled, closing his eyes. Pretend he’s there, actually there, awake. It’s just another conversation. Sicheng knew that there were a million things that he wanted to say to the older, he just had to let them out. Don’t think. Don’t think. Don’t think. “You’re so annoying,” Sicheng blurted. Well. That’s not what he was expecting. Still, he pressed on. “I can’t believe that you were suffering for so long. Why didn’t you just tell me, hyung?” Sicheng could picture it, Yuta giving in to Sicheng’s confrontation and telling him about the person that he loved, Sicheng providing all the comfort that he could. The idea made Sicheng feel worse, but at least he would’ve known. “I could’ve helped you. You didn’t have to run away like that.” Sicheng paused, running his thumb over Yuta’s hand, admiring how pretty they were, his nails perfectly shaped, his fingers shorter than Sicheng’s but still elegant. Sicheng liked how he could just swallow them up in his own hands, covering them completely. “And how come I never knew that you had fallen in love with someone? When you wake up you better tell me all about her.” Sicheng swallowed harshly. “There’s a lot of things we should talk about when you wake up. So don’t take too long, okay?” Sicheng fell silent again, just playing with Yuta’s fingers. There was one more thing on the tip of his tongue, but he needed a moment in order to say it. Trailing his eyes from Yuta’s hand, up his arm, across his broad shoulders and up to his peacefully sleeping face, Sicheng felt an overwhelming amount of emotion overtake him.

“I love you,” He whispered, the words falling like heavy rocks out of his mouth. He waited for a moment, watching Yuta’s face with a twinge of disappointment. He didn’t know what he expected, maybe for Yuta’s eyes to fly open at Sicheng’s confession. But that kind of thing only happened in kdramas or the animes that he and Yuta used to watch together. Used to. Sicheng couldn’t remember the last time Yuta had dragged him over to his laptop to watch some cheesy series with him. If- when Yuta woke up, Sicheng would never resist him again. He’d let Yuta stick to him for as long as he wanted. He’d pay for any meals they’d eat together. He’d buy him snacks for late night practices. He’d-

“Sicheng?” The said boy jumped at the voice, removing his hands from Yuta. Turning around in his chair, he saw that it was Taeyong, standing uncertainty in the doorway. Behind him, he could see the other members crowding around, desperate to get a look to see if Yuta was okay. He caught sight of their manager and a few more staff members glancing around to make sure that no one was about to approach them. Sicheng felt a small part of him crumble at the sight of their concerned faces. He got up and walked as fast as he could to them. Once he was close enough, he leaned his whole weight onto Taeyong, hoping that the other boy understood his signal. Luckily for him, Taeyong was extremely perceptive, wrapping his arms around him. Sicheng immediately relaxed. It had been so long since he’d been held, since someone had rubbed his back and told him that it would all be okay. “Whoa, hey there. Yuta’s okay, right?” Sicheng nodded into Taeyong’s shoulder, and he heard the relieved murmurs of the other members. “Thank goodness. Okay, the rest of you can go in and see him.” Immediately they shoved their way through the door, racing to Yuta’s bedside but instantly going quiet and cautious once they were near him. “Meanwhile, I should have a talk with you.” Taeyong had pulled back, looking pointedly into Sicheng’s eyes. Oh no.

Taeyong half led, half dragged Sicheng down the hospital hallway, finding the nearest exit and pushing him out of it. The fresh air felt nice on his face, and he took a few deep breaths. Taeyong turned to face him, his arms crossed. Sicheng rubbed the back of his neck nervously, avoiding his gaze. 

“I should probably just ask you outright: how do you feel about Yuta?” Sicheng nearly choked on his own spit. Taeyong really played no games. He felt heat prickling at his cheeks, despite his best efforts to stay nonchalant. 

“I mean- he’s my friend and I would very much not like him to die.” Taeyong arched an eyebrow at him, clearly not satisfied. Sicheng pleaded with his eyes back at him, wanting to just end this conversation and go back inside. But Taeyong shook his head, the other end of the question implied. Sicheng groaned and hid his face in his hands. “What do you want me to say, Taeyong? I can’t just- it would ruin everything.” Taeyong stepped forward and put his hand on the other’s shoulder. 

“You don’t know that.” Taeyong’s voice was gentle, comforting, but Sicheng wouldn’t let himself fall for the safety that Taeyong was providing him with. He couldn’t shake the hard, cold fact that his feelings would be rejected by the grand majority of the population.

“Yes, it would. We’re idols, Taeyong. We can’t be- and there’s a dating ban- not that Yuta and I would start dating or anything-” Sicheng couldn’t help the way his stomach flipped at the idea of him and Yuta dating. Even saying it out loud was enough to make him flustered. “Because he’s clearly never going to like me. He’s in there dying because he loves someone else- speaking of, do you know who it is?” Sicheng knew that there was something going on between Taeyong and Yuta. He was pretty sure Taeyong knew about Yuta’s predicament before Sicheng did, which hurt a little bit. Why would Taeyong know first? Unless- “Wait, is it you??” Taeyong’s eyes widened.

“No, no, oh my gosh.” He was almost laughing at Sicheng’s accusation, a glint in his eye. But as the rest of Sicheng’s questions settled in, his expression was somber again. “And Sicheng, you know that we’d all be okay if you were into guys. It’s not as big of a deal as you seem to be making it. We all love you and we’d be here to protect you. And if- say, hypothetically you and Yuta started dating-” There was that flutter again- “We’d figure it out. The dating ban isn’t a do or die, as long as you’re secretive. And we’re always here for you, okay? You don’t have to act like the whole world is resting on your shoulders alone.” Sicheng swallowed thickly, and when he looked up into Taeyong’s eyes he saw that the other was also struggling to keep it together. “At some point you have to stop putting sensibility over what you feel. It’s only going to lead you into unhappiness.” Sicheng knew that Taeyong was right, but he couldn’t help but feel absolutely terrified at the prospect of fully admitting everything he felt. He had no idea what would happen if he opened the floodgates and let his emotions pour out. But at the same time, it might be thrilling to dismiss his worries and let himself be carried wherever his feelings took him. Sicheng had no idea what to do. It must’ve shown on his face, because Taeyong sighed and withdrew his hands. “Look, Sicheng, in the end it’s up to you. But if you want what’s best for Yuta, then you should probably decide whether or not you have feelings for him or not and tell him. Either let him know he has a good chance or none at all.” Taeyong said the last part quietly, and Sicheng shook his head, thinking that he must’ve misheard. 

“Wh-what?” Sicheng was in full denial, assuming that the older must’ve meant something else. Taeyong gave him a knowing smile.

“You’re a smart person, Sicheng. I’m surprised you haven’t figured it out yet.” Sicheng’s head was reeling. This couldn’t be- it was impossible. He had so many questions. He was about to give Taeyong the death glare and force him to tell him everything when all of a sudden the door burst open and Jaehyun stood there, panting. Taeyong’s face lit up at the sight of him. “Hey, Jae.” Sicheng did a double take at the way Taeyong curled against the other boy, their hands intertwining. Taeyong met Sicheng’s gaze and smiled at him. “See, Sicheng? You’re never alone.” Sicheng’s thoughts were caught in between Taeyong and Jaehyun apparently being a thing and the terrifying idea of confessing his feelings to Yuta. 

“What- explain all of this. Now.” Sicheng crossed his arms, feigning anger, but in the back of his mind he was secretly celebrating the fact that he wasn’t the only one with feelings for a man. Even if everything with Yuta went to shit, he would always have Taeyong and Jaehyun to comfort him with no judgement whatsoever. Jaehyun laughed, but he gestured to the door.

“I think you might have other priorities at the moment.” Sicheng frowned.

“What do you mean?” Jaehyun grinned back at him, biting his lip with excitement.

“Yuta’s awake. And he wants to talk to you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me just say, i did a google search of yuta’s hands (gotta be authentic) and the amount of posts about them- yuta stans are you okay?? Anyway, thank goodness for taeyong. Imagine taking care of 21 kids (including yourself). SM better give him mother’s day off or something. I hope you enjoyed this chapter and stay tuned!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuta and Sicheng find each other, finally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so sorry that this is late again! i kind of lost motivation for this fic but i'll push through for the last chapter. i tried to get it up like right after i finished so it's not read over very well (sorry in advance for any mistakes). thank you for reading!

Sicheng couldn’t believe that he was looking at Yuta, a living, breathing, awake and alert Yuta. The other members had left as soon as they saw Sicheng at the door, exchanging a few knowing glances. Sicheng barely registered them passing by him. His attention was consumed with Yuta, Yuta’s eyes meeting his gaze, Yuta’s soft smile that he gave him. He breathed in Yuta’s scent as he got closer, although now it was tainted with the sharp tang of the overly sanitized hospital. Sicheng walked over on shaky legs, sitting down in the chair, his eyes never leaving Yuta’s. 

“Hi.” Yuta’s voice was hoarse, weak, and the sound of it made Sicheng frown. Yuta was awake now, but he was still restricted to the bed, not even having the strength to sit up. It was a constant reminder that there was no promise of Yuta getting better, that if things went badly he might never leave this bed again. Sicheng’s hands clenched in his lap, fighting his thoughts that were spiraling into a world where he might never get to be with Yuta again. He tried his best to focus on this moment, on Yuta in front of him. 

“Yuta. I-” There was so much that Sicheng needed to say, but the second he got ready to speak the nerves in his stomach thrashed more than they had ever before, and the words died on his tongue. But Yuta was still looking at him expectantly, so Sicheng started rambling about whatever came to mind. “The comeback is delayed. The company’s already announced it. We’re going to wait until you get better.” Sicheng saw Yuta’s face fall slightly as his choice of words, but he tried to ignore it. “But the company hasn’t given any details as to why, really. They just said it was- health reasons.” Sicheng looked down at his hands. He was beating around the bush, he knew that, but he had no idea where or how to start talking about what really mattered. 

“Aish, I’m sorry.” Yuta swallowed harshly, his eyebrows furrowing. Sicheng’s gaze shot up to glare at the other boy, harsh words falling out of his mouth before he could stop them.

“Sorry?? How is this your fault? Honestly. The only mistake you made was not telling any of us sooner.” Yuta let out a breathy laugh at Sicheng’s fierce comeback, and Sicheng felt the tension in his body dissolve. He could do this. It was just Yuta. “But really, hyung, why didn’t you tell us? Me?” Yuta avoided Sicheng’s gaze. “You- you promised that you would never leave me.” Sicheng whispered, unable to keep the hurt out of his voice. Yuta sighed, scrunching his eyes shut and reaching a shaky hand up to cover his face. 

“I’m sorr- I mean, I couldn’t. I don’t really know how to explain it in a way that’ll satisfy you, but I just couldn’t.” Sicheng felt his frown deepen. He wondered what might’ve happened if he hadn’t run into Yuta that one day, hadn’t followed him into the room that he collapsed in. Yuta might’ve been stuck, dying by himself, with no one to find or help him. Sicheng shuddered at the thought. 

“Well, um. Have you thought about what you’re going to do?” Yuta looked at him, confused. “You know. The surgery.” Sicheng watched as Yuta’s expression darkened, his eyes going cold. 

“I have. I’m not doing it.” Sicheng’s mouth dropped open. Even though he was worried about the consequences of the surgery, he thought that the answer was obvious. If Yuta wasn’t going to get the surgery, and if he wasn’t going to tell Sicheng about the person he was in love with, then that meant that he was most likely going to-

“Yuta! You have to- I’m not going to let you die over some heartless person that I don’t even know.” Yuta flinched at Sicheng’s words but he stayed firm.

“It’s my decision. I’m not changing my mind.” Sicheng felt anger bubbling up inside of him, and if Yuta wasn’t literally in the hospital he would’ve hit his arm.

“You’re being selfish.” Sicheng wasn’t yelling, but his anger was just as prominent. When he was annoyed he got cold, his voice dropping to a deadly low tone and each word shot out like a bullet, striking his target with incredible force. “You have friends and family who care about you, and now you’re just going to throw your life away. I don’t care how amazing this person is, you’re not going to die over them. Do you really care that little about others? Do you really care that little about me?” 

“The person is yo-” Yuta couldn’t finish his sentence, his voice cut off by a racking cough. Sicheng’s mood changed so fast he almost got whiplash. In the blink of an eye he was all over Yuta, rubbing his back and helping him carefully sit up so he could get whatever was in his throat out. Yuta’s shoulders shook and his chest heaved for what felt like forever until he finally spit out a flower. Sicheng felt his shoulders slump at the sight. The flowers weren’t going away at all. But after a closer inspection of the said flower Sicheng realized-

“Wait- is the flower dead?” Yuta seemed to be having the same train of thought, picking up the flower and turning it around. The flower was limp, its leaves shriveled and a sickly grey color. “That can’t be good- if the flower is dying then shouldn’t that mean it’s getting worse and-” But Yuta cut off Sicheng’s worried ramble with a hand pressed against his arm.

“No, no- think about it. If the hanahaki is dying then that means- i’m getting better.” Yuta was grinning now, looking brightly up at Sicheng. The sight was almost blinding. Meanwhile, Sicheng was still trying to piece everything together. 

“You’re getting better?” He whispered quietly. “Did- did you fall out of love with them?” That was the only reasonable explanation in Sicheng’s mind. Yuta groaned in frustration, shaking his head with exasperation but still looking fondly at the younger boy. 

“No. Definitely not. Didn’t you hear what I was saying before?” Sicheng tried to recall, but Yuta’s words had gotten lost in between Sicheng’s anger and then fear once Yuta started coughing. He tried to connect the dots. Yuta was getting better, and he hadn’t fallen out of love with the person. So the person must’ve fallen in love with Yuta. And Yuta was grinning at Sicheng, bouncing like a little kid trying to hold in a surprise, his eyes filled with so much warmth and love and-

“Oh.” Taeyong’s words came back to Sicheng. Let him know if he has a chance. A chance with Sicheng. Which meant that this whole time, the reason that Yuta was in so much pain, the reason that he had been avoiding Sicheng like the plague, the reason that he was here in the hospital right now was because he loved Sicheng more than his body could handle. “Oh.” 

For once, Sicheng didn’t stop to think. He gave into all of the urges that he had been suppressing around Yuta. He dove into the other’s arms, feeling them wrap around his back. Yuta was warm, like always. The feeling of his hands tracing patterns on Sicheng’s back sent a shiver around his spine. Normally he’d be self conscious, wondering about whether they’d been hugging too long or too deeply. But now he could bury himself in Yuta’s arms without worrying about being rejected. He could hug Yuta like this for hours. Everyday. Whenever he wanted. Because Yuta loved Sicheng. He didn’t even realize that he was crying until he pulled slightly away and saw the dampness that he had left on Yuta’s shoulder. 

“Oh- sorry, hyung.” But Yuta’s smile never faltered, and Sicheng felt his own grin growing the longer that he looked at the other boy. 

“No worries, Winko.” Any tension that Sicheng was still holding simply melted at the nickname. It had been too long since he had heard it. Yuta lifted a hand to caress Sicheng’s cheek, his eyes flickering between both of Sicheng’s. “This is real, right? You love me? Because I’ve been pining after you for forever. I mean- I didn’t fully admit it until I started coughing up petals, but I don’t think I’ve ever really only seen you as a friend.” Yuta blushed slightly at his confession, and Sicheng’s mind was filled with cute cute cute cute. He wanted to scoop Yuta up and carry him away from here, so they could be alone, but he was brutally reminded that Yuta’s body was still recovering and was probably not ready to leave quite yet. 

“It’s real, hyung. I’ve pretty much had the same experience. I- I love you.” Sicheng felt his own blush creeping up his neck and went back to hiding his face in Yuta’s shoulder. Yuta laughed, and Sicheng felt the sound reverberating through his body. Yuta quieted down for a moment before softly speaking up again.

“Winko, can- can I kiss you?” That made Sicheng’s whole face burn, his stomach flaring up with nerves and excitement. But when he pulled back and saw a similar expression on Yuta’s face, his fear went away. He nodded, biting his lip. 

The minute Yuta’s lips touched his, Sicheng knew that he had found his home. All of those years of missing his simple life back in China became just another obstacle in his path to this moment, with Yuta kissing him like he was an artifact that needed to be treasured. Sicheng realized that he should probably start reciprocating something, so he pressed closer, moving his mouth gently. He felt Yuta’s hand grip his shoulder tightly, breaking into a smile. After a while Sicheng did the same, pulling away so just their foreheads touched. With a surprising amount of strength considering his situation, Yuta grabbed Sicheng and pulled him into the bed beside him. He snuggled into Sicheng, his hair tickling Sicheng’s chin. Sicheng wrapped his arm around Yuta’s waist, pulling him protectively into his side. Sicheng hadn’t realized how touch starved he was until now. Or Yuta starved, he supposed. But there would be plenty of time to make up for it. Because Yuta was going to be okay. Sicheng still had hours, days, months, years left with him. The thought filled him with more happiness than he thought was possible. 

“So this is going to be a thing, right? Are we- dating now? Are you my boyfriend?” Yuta said the words with a hint of awe. Sicheng broke into a grin, looking down at Yuta and repeating the word ‘boyfriend’ over and over in his head. He would never get tired of that. 

“Yeah. If you want to be.” Yuta nodded frantically, murmuring his affirmation into Sicheng’s chest. Sicheng leaned down to kiss the top of his head. He had never been the affectionate type, not even with his own family. But something about Yuta made him want to just be all over him. From the very first moment he saw him, Sicheng knew that Yuta was going to be different. Yuta made him confident, Yuta made him grateful, and most importantly, Yuta made him happy. “It’ll be hard.” Sicheng could already imagine the pain of having to keep himself separated from Yuta to avoid suspicion. “But we’ll figure it out. You’re worth it.” Sicheng thought of Taeyong’s words earlier, determined to follow them. Speaking of Taeyong- “Wait, but did you know about Taeyong and Jaehyun? Are they-”

“Dating? Yeah, Taeyong told me earlier. It’s crazy, right? I mean- they must’ve gotten pretty good at hiding it. I would’ve guessed that they were secretly forming their own subunit before I would’ve even considered that they were dating. But it all kind of makes sense, right? I mean remember how hard Jaehyun laughed when Johnny thought that he had a child?” Yuta continued to ramble, talking about everything from the other members to the crazy dream that he had while he was unconscious. Sicheng lay still and took in it all, carding a hand through Yuta’s hair, basking in the other boy’s presence. Finally, after so many years of searching, they had found each other. It had taken a lot of pain, too many tears shed and hearts broken. But the years that were to come would show them that it would all be worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SJSJ finally the angst and sadness is over! Please ignore (another) plot hole of there being no nurses checking on yuta as they were having their ~moment~. I hope you enjoyed and stay tuned for the last chapter/epilogue!


	8. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuta and Sicheng, together at last despite being separated by their schedules.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter! Let me just say, i really expected for it to just be me and my sleep paralysis demon reading this fic, and i can’t believe that other people actually read and enjoyed it. Thank you to everyone who has left kudos or commented, it's been amazing to receive that kind of feedback. This was a really quick fic and my whole writing process was a mess, so thank you for sticking with me. I hope you enjoy this epilogue!

One year later, and so much had changed. Sicheng was no longer promoting with NCT 127. Ever since the release of Regular and Take Off, Sicheng had been fully consumed with WayV. He quickly adopted and owned their (quite mature) concept, and even though he still didn’t have a main position in the group, he certainly got more lines and attention then he did in NCT 127. WayV didn’t really promote in Korea, so their schedule was a lot less busy. And even though it was hard knowing that their songs didn’t get as much attention as the other subunits, part of Sicheng was grateful for the lowered stress level. Performing live was thrilling, but Sicheng didn’t exactly miss the restless sleep the night before or the endless rehearsals or the overwhelming amount of nerves as he tried not to make even the smallest of mistakes. Another thing Sicheng was enjoying? Being able to speak in his first language. Now he could speak freely in their videos, say whatever was on his mind without having to worry about it coming off the wrong way. Even better, his Korean knowledge, although limited in some parts, was considered quite impressive in the eyes of the other members. For once Sicheng felt empowered, proud of what he had done. He still couldn’t keep up with Ten and YangYang when they spoke English, but whenever he felt self conscious he remembered what Yuta had told him, and then he was able to continue. He became more confident, humorous. Even though he was still generally a quiet person, the fans still noticed how his personality seemed to show more when he was with the other members in WayV. Being in WayV was a breath of fresh air that he had desperately needed. 

But there was still something missing, of course. It was still jarring to wake up and see Lucas grinning at him instead of Yuta. He had caught himself a couple of times rushing outside into the hallway, looking for him, whether to show a funny video on his phone or to cuddle, only to find that Yuta wasn’t there. He’d then have to retreat back into his room, shoulders slumping and heart aching. He really had taken for granted the way that Yuta had always been by his side. 

Meanwhile, Yuta was doing his best to focus on NCT 127 and 127 alone. They had found quite a bit of success with their recent comebacks. They went on their first world tour, previewing their next big comeback- Superhuman. Despite the extreme amount of concerts that they did, Yuta still found himself in awe every time he looked out at the sea of green lightsticks. Behind each one was an Nctzen, a fan who loved and cherished them. He had always thought that the whole ‘fans giving you energy’ was mostly false, being just a way to show the fans how much they appreciated them. But hearing people from all across the world sing NCT’s songs back at them made Yuta’s fatigue from the performance disappear. He would keep dancing, singing, performing for days upon end if it meant that he could keep experiencing this. This was the reason why so many people risked their future to try and make it big in the music industry. This feeling, this moment, was what made up for all the hard work, all the doubtful thoughts, all of the nights where Yuta just wanted to give up. He felt himself get choked up and looked away, covering his face. The other members came to hug and comfort him, and he heard the fans’ projecting their love as well. In that moment, Yuta relished in how far he had come since that one fateful night in the bathroom, staring at the petals that had come out of his throat. Back then, he had assumed that he had to fend for himself, by himself. He had never felt so alone. But that had all just been his insecurities talking. He was never alone, no matter how isolated he might be physically. He was surrounded by people who loved and cared for him, ready to catch him if he fell and lift him up when he was down. And he would do the same in a heartbeat. Yuta felt a tear slide down his cheek, but he was smiling. He turned and shouted a thank you to the Nctzens, and laughed when he heard their roar of response. He looked around at the other members and saw the same joyful expression reflected back at him. Even though he was perfectly content with this moment, he still wondered what Sicheng might be doing, if he knew what this feeling was like.

Just like Sicheng, Yuta also forgot that the other wasn’t next to him anymore. He felt so awkward, standing stiffly in their videos, and he would glance around him, automatically wanting to hang on to Sicheng. He’d never get used to the coldness that he felt when he realized that Sicheng wasn’t there. To hide the pain that he felt, Yuta relied on the other members. He started clinging to Mark whenever possible. He endlessly flirted with the younger boy, the same way he had a year ago. Luckily Sicheng didn’t mind, knowing that it was just platonic. But even as Yuta went to hug Mark after being asked who was the cutest, he still felt a longing to look into the camera and say Sicheng’s name. 

It wasn’t like they were miles and miles apart. They were still technically in the same group. But the company, for some reason, didn’t want WayV interacting with the other members. Yuta had barely met YangYang, Hendery, and Xiaojun. And he hadn’t done any official lives or videos with Sicheng since he had left. But that didn’t mean that they were living on opposite sides of the world. They FaceTimed almost everyday, often falling asleep with the other person still on the call. Their managers arranged for them to meet whenever it was possible, although they had to stay on the company’s property to avoid anyone seeing. And maybe sometimes Yuta would sneak out to see Sicheng on his own. It sucked that Yuta couldn’t take the other boy out on a date like he had always dreamed. He wanted to drive up to Sicheng’s door and watch him come down wearing a nice outfit. He wanted to buy Sicheng flowers and watch his reaction when he gave them to him. He wanted to serenade the other with compliments as they ate dinner together. He wanted to hold Sicheng’s hand as they walked home. He wanted to bring the other to his doorstep and kiss him goodbye. Maybe he’d break his family’s curfew just to stay with Sicheng and have to go home to a scolding parent. But it was that kind of normal life that he had given up when he had decided to become an idol trainee. 

So they made their own romantic agenda. Yuta knocking on Sicheng’s dorm door to surprise him. Sicheng coming out in rumpled practice clothes, his hair messed up from lying on his bed. Yuta would pat it down with a laugh, still finding him to be the handsomest person he’d ever seen. He wouldn’t have a bouquet of roses but instead a single flower that he had sneakily bought from a nearby supermarket. And Sicheng’s reaction would be just as endearing as if he had bought him a whole rosebush. Yuta would drag Sicheng down to the dorm kitchen and pull out the ramen and other snacks that he had brought. They would eat together on the kitchen’s wooden table, hearing the other members creep by and not to disturb them. Sicheng would stifle a laugh as he watched Lucas try and move his giant six foot body gracefully and quietly past them. Yuta would make some cheesy comment that was too much for Sicheng, and he would throw a sauce packet at him (although he would then apologize and gently rub the spot where it had hit Yuta’s face). Yuta would hold the other’s hand as they went back to Sicheng’s room, leaving him at his door with a kiss that was over too quickly. Sometimes Sicheng would pull Yuta into his room, not wanting the other to leave yet. And so they would stay up together, watching an anime like they used to. Yuta would fall asleep on Sicheng’s shoulder, waking up the next morning and realizing that he had to get back to the 127 dorm before anyone realized. He and Sicheng would say a rushed goodbye and Yuta would go back to find Taeyong ready to yell at him.

It was so far from what they both would’ve expected their first relationship to be like. But somehow, that made it even better. In the end they didn’t need fancy dates or flowery words. Their relationship was about each other. As long as they kept their promise and never left, they would be eternally happy. So they accepted their whirlwind of a life and just focused on their love for each other.

Isn’t that the best way to make a relationship bloom?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we’re done! I don’t have a twitter yet (maybe i will eventually) but if you’re looking for other stuff to read in the future i’m a huge multistan and i have a lot of ideas so i should have some more content coming up. So far i’m working on a txt fic, and i have a haikyuu, ateez, bts, and another nct fic planned (they’ll also all probably be more edited so better quality than this lmao) so be sure to check back on my account if you’re interested! Bye (for now)! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

**Author's Note:**

> ...was it okay? I'll try to update as fast as I can, but comments and kudos are appreciated and will probably motivate me to write faster! i hope you're prepared though because there's going to be a lot of hurting before it gets better bUT it will get better i promise


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